just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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