I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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