she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
