No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
