So drunk, too bad you don't want this
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
