How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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