I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
