Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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