Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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