you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
