My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
