Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
