i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
