Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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