You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize