YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
