I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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