If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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