They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
