i wish my penis had a tongue
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
