Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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