you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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