My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
