guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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