Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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