yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
