Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
