Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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