The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
