i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
