why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
