life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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