Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just want to make out with him forever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I did not marry a roomba.
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