And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
