So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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