I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
