In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
