I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
