I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
