mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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