Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
