Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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