Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My penis needs a shock collar
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
