I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
