i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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