Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
