I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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