so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
