Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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