I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
