One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
