I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
