Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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