I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
