I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
