if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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