Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
