I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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